Teenagers From Mars (And We Don't Care)

Ok before I start...

Now that's out of the way, let's talk about the importance of St. Patty's day. Now, you might be an asshole and think that St. Patty's Day is stupid, and you're right; you do suck at life. It isn't all about the irish, it's about getting drunk with the people you love. If you're doing it right, the night should look something like this half way through

if you feel like getting really epic, you should play wizard sticks. wizard sticks is an awesome game you play with your friends where you finish a can of beer and tape your new one to the top. it should look something as awesome as this:


i've heard different rules about wizard sticks where first one to drink their height in wizard stick wins, but i actually think no one wins with those rules. it's best to just see who has the highest one by the end of the night and then receives a high five or gets their back rubbed when they throw up.

pubs are an okay choice, but they are filled with jocks,bros, and guidos who aren't even irish but take it way too seriously. it's a better idea just to stock up on a ton of booze and throw a party (not at your own house). the point of green beer is so when you throw up it's funny. be back in a day or two.

Tight Pants, Wide Stance

so i think i'm going to start my own skateboard company...shirts, boards, stickers, etc. other ideas i have for product:
-bibs. so if you're eating ribs and skating you won't look like a drunk.
-bbq tongs. if you're going to live by the 4 b's (boards,bbqs,beer,and bitches) then this is a necessity.
-a board with gary busey on it. eroticism.
-beer coseys. self explanatory.
-pogs. due to make a comeback.
-lasers. for those times you need a laser.
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-temporary tattoos. just pretty much tribal for your lower back (aka the tramp stamp).
-calendar. 12 months of greased of photos from team members.
-rap album. people like rap.
-our own video game. pretty much you get drunk and go skate and when a kid asks you for a sticker you throw a lawn chair or an empty bottle at them.
-wind resistant lawn chairs. to throw at kids when they ask you for a sticker.
-dan arget lip gloss. he makes out with a ton of dudes and so can you.


more updates on the company in the making soon.

Glamorous Glue

I seriously get sent a link to the zeitgeist movie at least once a week. do i believe 9/11 was a conspiracy? probably. there is a decent amount of proof to back it up and a ton of youtube videos all for it...so why isn't the public more aware? there must be a distraction. what has hit america by storm, sells a million dollars worth of ringtones and other useless crap, and has enough popularity to make everyone forget about 9/11 and the war? soulja boy. soulja boy is defiantly a part of the 9/11 conspiracy and this boy isn't going to sit here and take it, observe:

who is soulja boy really working for? think about that one.

Get Off My Plane

the other night i saw the hives and some emo girl jumped on my back and bit my neck 28 weeks later style. it scared the crap out of me. i think it's karma for the valentines day article.

other noteable mentions:
-the donnas played before them... they sucked.
-some girl started puking before the hives came on and ran away holding her mouth. everyone laughed.
-some middle aged lady was in the mosh pit elbowing chicks in the face. i called her 'the enforcer'.
-that girl who bit me came back, and bit mark instead this time.

it was a rad night, i love the hives.

You Are The Quarry

Things that are awesome:
-a t rex driving a fighter jet
-that new rambo movie
-redline (i'll get back to this later)
-spin kicking a vampire through a 50 story window

Things that are not awesome:
-the flu
-being stuck in bed for 5 days
-coughing like a dinosaur
-migraines
-etc

I've been sick for a week straight and I'm sorry for the lack of posts last week. I will make up for it throughout the week.

Now, back to red line.
I for one, chase the energy drink dragon. I rarely sleep and I talk a lot, so energy drinks are a must for me. Here are some experiments I have conducted:

RED BULL: 2/5
It's seriously too small. For the same price I can get an australian beer can sized energy drink that's more potent. red bulls good if you like wasting money and only need a bit of energy. also ryan shekler drinks it, which no longer makes it legit. see life of ryan for examples why.

BOOKOO: 2.5/5
It's 3 energy drinks in one and tastes terrible. It works alright, but tastes like crappy cough medicine.

MONSTER: 4/5
Probably the best common and easy to find energy drink. twice maybe even three times bigger then red bull and keeps you up. rumor has it if you drink enough you can see into the future. kevin costner told me that.

REDLINE: 6/5
holy mother of god. zero carbs and everything. i drank one and 20 minutes later i was sweating and shaking and stuff. i'm still wired off of it and it's been like 3 hours. i might actually become a red line junkie. if you can find it, buy it. and if red line happens to come across this blog and wants to send me a crate or twenty, by all means. sign me up. i need to race kevin costner to the future before it's too late.

This Apparatus Must Be Earthed

Can you believe we used to watch wrestling? I remember thinking it was real.


DRAGON DRAGON!! for those who couldn't stand to watch the whole thing go to 6:18 of that to see the best part. here's some more epicness


and the greatest thing to ever happen to wrestling....i present to you:

William, It Was Really Nothing

Valentines Day. some cringe at that word. why? because that day always sucks for them. here are 5 helpful tips on what to do next year, get book marking.

1. Take her paintballing.
Now you're probably saying most girls don't like paintball, and you are right. this is the first test, putting you in control and if she leaves then whatever, she wasn't going to be fun or liked by your friends anyways. Shoot her, chase her, do what you gotta do to let her know you are one big crazy bundle of love.

2. Be nice, but not a sissy.
Hold the laundry door open for her, watch her make you supper, etc etc.

3. Start a cult.
What better bond to share with someone then being the co-founders of a cult. get awesome with it! think of things like the no pants cult, get drunk and play twister cult, or nothing that happens leaves this room cult.

4. Get shitty drunk.
As if you weren't already. This is the most reasonable one and all you need is either a 24 of pbr, 2-4 bottles of wine, or gin/vodka/whiske/anything that can be mixed. you also need the lady/guy/goat/sock puppet/whatever you're into, and a tv/computer/record player. Done, you're set. Now just play truth or dare and wait for your turn you eager bastard.

5. Fight a homeless person.
If you have to take out your anger on valentines day, by all means, do it on the homeless. what are they going to do? run home? HA! fighting the homeless triggers a natural attraction to females because it shows that you could protect their young. it's science, really.



so just follow those steps and i'm sure next year will be a lot better for you, if not, you still got drunk, went paintballing, started a cult, and fought a homeless person. fuck yeah dude!